Originally posted by don_budge
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"Journey to the End of the Night"...Ferdinand Celine
I trust everyone has had themselves quite a journey. "Journey to the End of the Night" is a rather dark sardonic novel written by this incredible French author in 1932. Dark days indeed. Some of us are overwhelmed with the darkness of our days in the year of our Lord 2020 and understandably so. If you have a strong mental mindset I recommend "Journey..." to help put this thing in perspective. Jim Morrison of the Doors loved this book so that he wrote a song about it. "End of the Night". Morrison also said "no one here gets out alive". The reality starts to sink in. Yeah...not for the feignt of heart.
"The second half of a mans life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half"... Fyodor Dostoyevsky (The Devils 1871)
My dear father sent me a list of quotes by well known people and this one always stuck in my head. Perhaps it was because he gave them to me as I was approaching forty years of age or so. Maybe I was thirty-eight at the time. As I read this, not knowing the context that it was written in the epic Dostoyevsky novel, I read into it what I could from what I knew. Anyways...I figured that the average human life span might be around eighty years old and right around forty it was halftime, so to speak, and it was time. In the locker room of life. It was time to assess what happened in the first half and to try and evaluate what the score was. Was I winning? Was I losing? There was no coach...there was just me.
After groping my way through my recollections of the first half of my life, it was time to determine a game plan for the second half. The first half was about youth and being young. Physical. Somewhat young but still quite physical as halftime approached. It was becoming apparent though that the second half was not going to be about the body or youth but hopefully evolving into the spirit...in a intellectual, emotional and psychological sense. The first half for my life I was heavily involved in physical activity...namely the sport of tennis and it sort of gave me an identity. The Tennis Player. But I knew as I was approaching forty that I had to give it up. I was no longer young enough to carry on the charade. To do so would be unseemly. I took my first golf lesson on my fortieth birthday at the Dearborn Country Club. In my mind I would never play tennis again.
I had worked rather fastidiously on developing the habits that a tennis player does in order to compete on higher and higher levels. That might loosely sum up the first half of my life. Not that I was solely a "tennis player". I strayed. As I approached the "halftime" of my life I found myself reading like a starving man. In pursuit of a different kind of knowledge. Understanding. I took books to bed and read them through the night. Before I went to sleep...I read. When I woke up in the middle of the night...I read. When I woke in the morning...I read. During the day...I read at every opportunity. I read by author. I picked an author and tried to read everything they wrote. I wanted to get into their heads. I don't know what compelled me to do so. Maybe it was some sort of calling. A divine inspiration. My father asked me why I was reading so insatiably...I could only answer that:
"Like the character in the Dostoyevsky novel "The Devils", that I had not read at that point, I wondered about the second half of my life. I knew big changes were in store for me but I couldn't fathom at the time what they would be. So I read about characters in these great novels by these wonderful authors until I realised that I, too...was a character on the stage of life. I did not want to fall "victim" to the Dostoyevsky curse...old habits. I wanted to change. Completely. Metamorphous."
Anyways...last week I shot 71 on my home club's course of a par 72. I broke par for the first time in many years. I had to put the golf clubs aside as I tried to eek out a living here in Sweden by teaching tennis. How ironic...Mr. Dostoyevsky. Old habits die hard. But having resigned from my position at the little funky tennis club in Skultorp, Sweden I once again set out on my Quixotic Quest on the golf course. I had flirted with breaking par a number of times by shooting even par. Finally I broke the barrier. A watershed moment. Persistence, determination and dedication. Merely a step towards my end goal...to shoot my age. I've been very lucky. Now I find myself well into the fourth quarter of life...just as all of you do. No longer the tennis player although through one of life's wonderful ironies I was the tennis teacher. Here in Sweden. Just like my wonderful tennis coach...Sherman Collins. Wondering about the finish line. Will I have to heave a "Hail Mary" or will I just run out the clock? The Lord only knows.

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