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I've got news for all you front-runners who think Roger Federer is going to win an unprecedented sixth consecutive U.S. Open. I hate to break it to you, but the dude's got about as much chance as I have of winning a Nobel prize for literature. There are reasons why nobody wins this sucker more than five straight times; in fact, there are lots of reasons, not all of them involving X's and O's.
So let's just "think out of the box" a little here, and take a look at some of the things that could derail the F-train:
1. The Three Andys. Andy Murray, whom Federer took out in a fluke final last year, has admittedly been playing great tennis lately on hard courts. He's got a 6-3 head-to-head advantage on Federer, but we've seen that's neither here nor there. Andy No. 2, Roddick, sure put the fear of God in Federer at Wimbledon, but guess who got to parade around in a slick jacket with the magic No. 15 on it (I'll bet that embroiderer fell asleep somewhere around 9-all in the fifth, waiting to see if he really needed to stitch on that number)?
That leaves Andy No. 3, Griffith. Think about it -- when did you last hear anything about the once-famous sheriff of Mayberry? Ha! My sources tell me that he's been in seclusion down at the Nick Bollettieri Tennis Academy for years now, preparing for just this moment. You watch -- a wild card drops out by 11 p.m. on Sunday, and Griffith gets the call.
2. A meteorite the size of the Spanish island of Mallorca is hurtling through space, even as you read this, at such warp speed that it can't even be tracked by our best military satellites. This humongous space rock is on track to strike the earth at the elevated subway track that runs above Roosevelt Avenue, just a few short blocks from the USTABJKNTC (The USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center) at roughly 2 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 12 -- which just coincidentally happens to be the day of the U.S. Open men's final. Eerie, isn't it?
3. The greatest unsolved murder mystery of our time is that of the serial killer called the Zodiac Killer, and sometime in the next two weeks the gumshoes out in Los Angeles may connect these dots and make an arrest: Anna Wintour doesn't make a move without consulting her astrologer; Federer's Wimbledon outfit of two years ago was festooned with astrological signs; Federer has a lot of friends in Los Angeles, including Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani, and you know how rock stars are into all that weird cult stuff. Circumstantial evidence that Federer is really the Zodiac Killer? I'm not saying he is -- just sayin'.
4. Tired of hearing themselves described as "boring" or "dark," and equally sick of making their way through life laundering money for all kinds of tax cheats from the world over, the Swiss decide to man up and declare war on the first nation that pops to mind. That would, of course, be the United States, because we all know how much Europeans hate the U.S. This turns out badly for Federer, because he's arrested as a prisoner of war at dawn on Super Saturday, leaving the distraught organizers of the U.S. Open scrambling to stage yet another Monica Seles exhibition in place of the semi that was to have featured Federer.
5. Jesse Levine wins the U.S. Open. Outlandish, you say? Not if Jesse can get by Teimuraz Gabashvili, his first-round opponent. Here's the scenario: Levine wins his opening match and then gets inconsistent Marin Cilic in Round 2. He squeaks that one out, which brings him face to face with the Swiss No. 2, Stan Wawrinka, who's scared that if he wins he'll be compared to Federer, so Levine moves on and meets Ivo Karlovic, who has aced his way into the fourth round.
Overnight, Karlovic suffers from temporary blindness and, playing with the aid of a companion dog, gets just 2 percent of his first serves into play (they're both aces, by the way). Levine's quarterfinal opponent, Fabrice Santoro, dies of old age minutes before the match, and Rafael Nadal's knees give out in the first set of his semi with Levine.
In the final, Levine applies all he learned in those training sessions in Dubai with Federer, and surprises everyone with a win that automatically kick-starts American tennis again.
Tennis
So let's just "think out of the box" a little here, and take a look at some of the things that could derail the F-train:
1. The Three Andys. Andy Murray, whom Federer took out in a fluke final last year, has admittedly been playing great tennis lately on hard courts. He's got a 6-3 head-to-head advantage on Federer, but we've seen that's neither here nor there. Andy No. 2, Roddick, sure put the fear of God in Federer at Wimbledon, but guess who got to parade around in a slick jacket with the magic No. 15 on it (I'll bet that embroiderer fell asleep somewhere around 9-all in the fifth, waiting to see if he really needed to stitch on that number)?
That leaves Andy No. 3, Griffith. Think about it -- when did you last hear anything about the once-famous sheriff of Mayberry? Ha! My sources tell me that he's been in seclusion down at the Nick Bollettieri Tennis Academy for years now, preparing for just this moment. You watch -- a wild card drops out by 11 p.m. on Sunday, and Griffith gets the call.
2. A meteorite the size of the Spanish island of Mallorca is hurtling through space, even as you read this, at such warp speed that it can't even be tracked by our best military satellites. This humongous space rock is on track to strike the earth at the elevated subway track that runs above Roosevelt Avenue, just a few short blocks from the USTABJKNTC (The USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center) at roughly 2 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 12 -- which just coincidentally happens to be the day of the U.S. Open men's final. Eerie, isn't it?
3. The greatest unsolved murder mystery of our time is that of the serial killer called the Zodiac Killer, and sometime in the next two weeks the gumshoes out in Los Angeles may connect these dots and make an arrest: Anna Wintour doesn't make a move without consulting her astrologer; Federer's Wimbledon outfit of two years ago was festooned with astrological signs; Federer has a lot of friends in Los Angeles, including Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani, and you know how rock stars are into all that weird cult stuff. Circumstantial evidence that Federer is really the Zodiac Killer? I'm not saying he is -- just sayin'.
4. Tired of hearing themselves described as "boring" or "dark," and equally sick of making their way through life laundering money for all kinds of tax cheats from the world over, the Swiss decide to man up and declare war on the first nation that pops to mind. That would, of course, be the United States, because we all know how much Europeans hate the U.S. This turns out badly for Federer, because he's arrested as a prisoner of war at dawn on Super Saturday, leaving the distraught organizers of the U.S. Open scrambling to stage yet another Monica Seles exhibition in place of the semi that was to have featured Federer.
5. Jesse Levine wins the U.S. Open. Outlandish, you say? Not if Jesse can get by Teimuraz Gabashvili, his first-round opponent. Here's the scenario: Levine wins his opening match and then gets inconsistent Marin Cilic in Round 2. He squeaks that one out, which brings him face to face with the Swiss No. 2, Stan Wawrinka, who's scared that if he wins he'll be compared to Federer, so Levine moves on and meets Ivo Karlovic, who has aced his way into the fourth round.
Overnight, Karlovic suffers from temporary blindness and, playing with the aid of a companion dog, gets just 2 percent of his first serves into play (they're both aces, by the way). Levine's quarterfinal opponent, Fabrice Santoro, dies of old age minutes before the match, and Rafael Nadal's knees give out in the first set of his semi with Levine.
In the final, Levine applies all he learned in those training sessions in Dubai with Federer, and surprises everyone with a win that automatically kick-starts American tennis again.
Tennis
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